Wistful

Flipping through photos-- well, "clicking through aimlessly" is more accurate, but that just doesn't sound the same. Let's try that again.

Flipping through photos, old and new, I could hear a clock ticking. Not in real life, but symbolically. Bear with me here. Somewhere, buried in the rubble of countless tears and sleepless nights, there is nearly a year lost. It's in there, and I don't think I want to find it. I'll keep some of the scraps that are oddly shaped and remind me of the good moments. Other than that, I'd prefer to forget it.

It's been alright. Like I've said a billion times before, though, when you set out to find yourself and set aside two whole years to do so, it's a downer to realize what your life's passion truly is only 3 months into this "journey."

And now, with almost a year already gone, I think I've wasted some valuable time working on other things. Did I learn another language? No. Did I improve my dance and/or cheer skills? In a way, but I didn't perform, and I have a few more years left before I fall apart. Did I even try my hand at writing something funny? Nope. Surely I wrote a few good pieces of poetry, right? Negative.

Uninspired: this is my quarter-life crisis. I get excited about the prospect of something new, but then I get sucked in by my comfort zone. Then I get bored. Then I stay bored. And then nothing comes of it.

I hate this feeling. I know what I want next, but I don't know when. I don't know where I'll go. I don't know if I've missed a life-changing opportunity.

What I do know is this: I'm going to be okay. So what if I have $16k in student loans? It's an investment. So what if I live in a crappy studio? My lease will end, and I will leave it behind, and I will find somewhere that makes me happier.

My life would be a decent stub of a Wikipedia article.

"Not quite a child prodigy, Ardith was talented in many areas[...] From June 2008 through September 2008, Ardith took it upon herself to live in what she would often refer to as 'the worst city in the world.'

CAREER
She once told a friend, 'I'm not famous because I just don't have a specialty.' Ardith spent her life as a well-rounded individual, excelling in many areas, but never reaching the level necessary to make a living off any of her said talents."

But talent isn't always equal to passion, and I know where I should go next.


Oh yeah, old photos. The great thing about what I want to do is I'll hopefully be getting to work with college students-- you know, those individuals who have that new-found swagger, those stars in their eyes, and who can have the whole world (often times, for a nominal fee. For me, it was $16k. Anyway.). I hope it will keep me young at heart while growing wiser every year.

In the meantime: Crossing my fingers to get out of this emotional valley.

Clarity

I realized today that I have management experience. What else would you call coordinating and leading a college cheer team for an academic year?

Think about it. I had to basically outline practices, figure out working structures for game days, collaborate with my other captains, do some conflict-management, coordinate with other student groups to market games, and try and keep my cool while doing so.

It was great for personal growth. I wish I had done some things differently, but I have those experiences to learn and draw from. That's probably the most important aspect of all of this. I now lead a youth hip-hop team. I've had to tweak approaches for this particular age group, and again, I've learned quite a bit.

All in all, these experiences are invaluable. Some days are harder than others, but I look for the positive aspects. I've grown as a leader and grown creatively. I intend on continuing to do so.

An Exercise in Existence

I recently wrote a "Rants and Raves" entry for the Seattle craigslist. I didn't publish it, but I did release quite a bit of emotion. I told my subject "I hate you" repeatedly, and unleashed some insults that were most likely unwarranted. Sometimes, though, you just have to let the city you're living in know that it does not control you completely. It may be utterly depressing and lackluster, but it will not run my life.

That said, I wondered what living in Everett has taught me.

I don't do well without roommates. I'm unmotivated in keeping my apartment tidy, and I'm uncreative in decorating and making my space a pleasant place to live.

I need tables and counter space. I need places to spread out my books and papers, my cooking ingredients, or whatever else I'm trying to do. I'm not a "stacks" person; I'm a "many little groups/piles" person.

I'm fond of learning. I'm fond of helping people learn. This is going to be a cornerstone in my professional advancement.

Everett may be the least-inspiring city I know, but at least I've learned a lot about myself. There's nowhere else to go but up from here, right?

8 Months Later

Nearly 8 months after graduating from college:

I find myself living alone, in a studio apartment, in a city which seems to be little more than a sprawling sea of buildings, 50% of which are probably tire centers. I chose to live here, in Everett, instead of Seattle because: 1. I didn't think I could handle the hustle-and-bustle of the city, and 2. I didn't want to drive half an hour to and from work every day. What I didn't bargain for was lack of people my age who are in similar positions in life. I'm just out of college and wanted to take this year to have fun. Instead, I'm finding myself around a majority of people who are transitioning into a more settled period in their lives. While that's great for them, it's not great for my social life.

Most of the people who I'd like to spend more time with do happen to live in Seattle. Now, I'm locked into a lease and live about 40 minutes away from the big city. I should have explored my options a bit better instead of, "How much longer can I sleep in if I live in Everett?"

I can't tell you how much sleep I've lost worrying about my safety and health since moving here. I've seen more arrests in my neighborhood now than I did in 18 years of living in eastern Washington.

A lack of social life. Being constantly afraid in my living arrangements. Uncertainty about my next steps. These aren't the things I thought would take priority over my focus on doing well at work. I suppose this is the harsh reality everyone spoke of. Maybe it's the fact that Cameron's still in college and everything he does seems so free. Maybe it's the fact that when I teach my dance classes, I get away from Everett, and I step into an environment where I have control over my decisions. And maybe it's because when you teach a creative art, you don't have to worry that each move may drive the economy deeper into recession.

I'm not sure, but these are the things I think about now.

On the upside of things, all this deep thinking has led me in a new direction as far as graduate studies go. I'm gearing up to apply to student affairs and development administration programs for 2010. I finally linked my fondness for school and communication/human interaction all together. Excellent. At least I can day dream about that, right?

8 months later, and I've learned more about myself and what I need to be happy. Now it's a matter of staying strong and pushing forward.

Til next time...

There's a first time for everything

I'm starting this blog to document myself as a growing person. Think of it as an online career portfolio.