Well....

I moved to Capitol Hill. I have a commute again. I have a roommate again.

Crossing my fingers that I'll have a life again.

Hello, Dear Friends.

Ah, the ease of uploading photos to this blog.

Where do I begin today?

Well. The other night, I woke up to strange noises. In my confused state, I thought my neighbors were simply up partying, or whatever it is they do at 1AM. Turns out, someone was at my window, furtively prying off the screen. I purchased a knife after that, though I have a feeling I'll accidentally stab my hand before using it to defend myself. That's life in Everett, I suppose.

Due in part to Cameron's comment that he wants to shop at farmers markets more often, I think I will begin shopping at a few of the markets in Seattle. Yes, I'm moving to Seattle, as long as no one breaks into my apartment and steals my life away before then. It's a good thing I'm not paranoid at all (sarcasm). Back to farmers markets, though-- first of all, is it "farmers" or "farmers'?" Second of all, I always forget how much I enjoy the markets until I walk around for awhile. I feel much more at ease there. Third of all-- free samples!

Anyway. I lost my train of thought somewhere between "free samples" and my lunch break.

Sunny Days

I've noticed that it's hard to keep up a good mood on this side of the mountains. How I feel is very influenced by the weather. I know this, because I made the mistake one year of decorating my room in blues and drab neutrals. It was dark, and I spent all winter brooding. After that, I made sure to use magentas, oranges, yellows, etc. to brighten my living spaces up.

My junior and senior year at college were aided by the fact that I lived in a cheerful little house with yellow walls. Perfect.

Then I moved to whatever you want to call my current dwelling. It's a cave, and it has been impossible to brighten that place up. I even got a new floor lamp.

On a related note, though, I just created a "Sunny Day Radio" station on Pandora. Jack Johnson, Hawaiian music, and upbeat folk rock has been helping me so far today. I needed something to get me past some frustration. It's working to an extent. I won't complain.

Lastly, I have tickets to one of my favorite bands of all time. I'm going to see Sunny Day Real Estate in October. Seattle emo, for the win. It will be grand.

Alright. Back to work. Then it's off to sunny Wenatchee for Casey's celebration of life and my dad's 90th. I think I'll need to stop by a local winery, too. Good idea? I think so.

Smile.

I'm Back

But then again, I never left.

I've gone several places since the last time I posted here: Las Vegas, Wenatchee, Hawaii, Whidbey Island, Bellingham.

But I never left.

I'm still in a rut, and I haven't been able to dig myself out. I had to go back to Everett last night. I feel like a normal person would accept that fact and go home to his or her apartment with sleep on the mind. How did I handle it? I cried. Of course.

I've tried, Everett. I really have. Nothing about you makes me want to roll my windows down and cruise around. Instead, you've trapped me. All my normal tactics are useless against you.

Has this city finally broken me?

A few weeks ago, before I left for Hawaii and before Cameron was back on the mainland, I started to feel some semblance of normalcy. I was feeling independent and confident about the future. I guess when I stepped back and looked at where I am in comparison to so many others, I was crushed by the depressing reality that I've somehow failed.

When I go home at night, I go home to an empty apartment. It's full of stuff, and if I had the motivation, I swear I would throw most of it away. An unfinished scrapbook. Language books, of which I've only read the first chapter. Presents to be sent off. Piles of laundry. An empty suitcase. Unread GRE study guides.

The distaste I have for this apartment has led me to stop caring. Maybe I would like it more if it didn't feel like such a desperate place. It's not home. It's a storage bin where I unfortunately have to sleep every night.

Get me out of here. My creativity, my drive, my identity have all withered.

Is that what college graduation is about?

If this is the real world, I'm over it. I want to pack my bags and get out of here.



It's too bad I'll only get part way through the task.

Wistful

Flipping through photos-- well, "clicking through aimlessly" is more accurate, but that just doesn't sound the same. Let's try that again.

Flipping through photos, old and new, I could hear a clock ticking. Not in real life, but symbolically. Bear with me here. Somewhere, buried in the rubble of countless tears and sleepless nights, there is nearly a year lost. It's in there, and I don't think I want to find it. I'll keep some of the scraps that are oddly shaped and remind me of the good moments. Other than that, I'd prefer to forget it.

It's been alright. Like I've said a billion times before, though, when you set out to find yourself and set aside two whole years to do so, it's a downer to realize what your life's passion truly is only 3 months into this "journey."

And now, with almost a year already gone, I think I've wasted some valuable time working on other things. Did I learn another language? No. Did I improve my dance and/or cheer skills? In a way, but I didn't perform, and I have a few more years left before I fall apart. Did I even try my hand at writing something funny? Nope. Surely I wrote a few good pieces of poetry, right? Negative.

Uninspired: this is my quarter-life crisis. I get excited about the prospect of something new, but then I get sucked in by my comfort zone. Then I get bored. Then I stay bored. And then nothing comes of it.

I hate this feeling. I know what I want next, but I don't know when. I don't know where I'll go. I don't know if I've missed a life-changing opportunity.

What I do know is this: I'm going to be okay. So what if I have $16k in student loans? It's an investment. So what if I live in a crappy studio? My lease will end, and I will leave it behind, and I will find somewhere that makes me happier.

My life would be a decent stub of a Wikipedia article.

"Not quite a child prodigy, Ardith was talented in many areas[...] From June 2008 through September 2008, Ardith took it upon herself to live in what she would often refer to as 'the worst city in the world.'

CAREER
She once told a friend, 'I'm not famous because I just don't have a specialty.' Ardith spent her life as a well-rounded individual, excelling in many areas, but never reaching the level necessary to make a living off any of her said talents."

But talent isn't always equal to passion, and I know where I should go next.


Oh yeah, old photos. The great thing about what I want to do is I'll hopefully be getting to work with college students-- you know, those individuals who have that new-found swagger, those stars in their eyes, and who can have the whole world (often times, for a nominal fee. For me, it was $16k. Anyway.). I hope it will keep me young at heart while growing wiser every year.

In the meantime: Crossing my fingers to get out of this emotional valley.

Clarity

I realized today that I have management experience. What else would you call coordinating and leading a college cheer team for an academic year?

Think about it. I had to basically outline practices, figure out working structures for game days, collaborate with my other captains, do some conflict-management, coordinate with other student groups to market games, and try and keep my cool while doing so.

It was great for personal growth. I wish I had done some things differently, but I have those experiences to learn and draw from. That's probably the most important aspect of all of this. I now lead a youth hip-hop team. I've had to tweak approaches for this particular age group, and again, I've learned quite a bit.

All in all, these experiences are invaluable. Some days are harder than others, but I look for the positive aspects. I've grown as a leader and grown creatively. I intend on continuing to do so.

An Exercise in Existence

I recently wrote a "Rants and Raves" entry for the Seattle craigslist. I didn't publish it, but I did release quite a bit of emotion. I told my subject "I hate you" repeatedly, and unleashed some insults that were most likely unwarranted. Sometimes, though, you just have to let the city you're living in know that it does not control you completely. It may be utterly depressing and lackluster, but it will not run my life.

That said, I wondered what living in Everett has taught me.

I don't do well without roommates. I'm unmotivated in keeping my apartment tidy, and I'm uncreative in decorating and making my space a pleasant place to live.

I need tables and counter space. I need places to spread out my books and papers, my cooking ingredients, or whatever else I'm trying to do. I'm not a "stacks" person; I'm a "many little groups/piles" person.

I'm fond of learning. I'm fond of helping people learn. This is going to be a cornerstone in my professional advancement.

Everett may be the least-inspiring city I know, but at least I've learned a lot about myself. There's nowhere else to go but up from here, right?